[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
You Might Also Like
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-