CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You Might Also Like
How did we not see this back then?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor