Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Teamwork makes the dream work.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

Hear me out.

The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.

The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.

It’s a system I think would work.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser