Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

SONOFA

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him