Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
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No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Showerkraut
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”