Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Denise please return my vape pen

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about