Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what