Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.