Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”