[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Where does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
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if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
what happens when you put nutella on salmon
u get salmonella
someone d8 me plz