@Writepop
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
@ThereWillBeGin
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
You Might Also Like
@Writepop
@0point5twins
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
@TheAlexNevil
Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.
@NicCageMatch
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
@amishschool
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
@Lisa_Laughs_
I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
@ninetek
if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes
@PleaseBeGneiss
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
@a_simpl_man
As soon as I get my shit figured out I’m going to start judging everyone.
@Talk_To_The_Hat
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.