@ThereWillBeGin

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

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@Writepop

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

@0point5twins

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@NicCageMatch

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@ninetek

if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes

@PleaseBeGneiss

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

@a_simpl_man

As soon as I get my shit figured out I’m going to start judging everyone.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.