Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Where does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
You Might Also Like
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
As soon as I get my shit figured out I’m going to start judging everyone.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.