@ThereWillBeGin

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

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@mrjohndarby

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

@ninetek

if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes

@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

@CruisinSoozan

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@theshamingofjay

God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

@Fred_Delicious

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

@stodghill10

what happens when you put nutella on salmon

u get salmonella

haha haha

someone d8 me plz