Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

o shit

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

excuse me

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

this came to me in a vision

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.