Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

The comment ads on twitter are so trippy

“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”

i will not be silenced

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.