Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.