Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

reduce, reuse, recycle

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.