Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.