Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
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My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.