Chemical wingman
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
i think both sides are to blame here
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs