Chemical wingman
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Camel dough
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.