Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”