Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.