Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
You Might Also Like
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
