Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Brain: You’re getting older.

Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!

Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?