Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Not with that attitude

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever