Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

San Francisco has too many rules

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

ㅤ

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

what the hell pray for carter everyone

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”