Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

The Friday File.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

What kind of a cult is this?

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee