Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Donkey Kong sommelier

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful