Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Hank is one in a melon.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.