Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

Natural selection at its finest

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.