Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Check your privilege
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Worth a try
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.