Cherry seeds are just the pits.
You Might Also Like
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My patience has stretch marks.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then