Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delightful if true: booby trap.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa