Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.