Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Monday?
No. Next question.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret