Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

I might carry a baby with one hand.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Happy thanksgiving!

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”