Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
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Breaking news:
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.