Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
this is a sign that you need a union
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.