Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow