Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
When I snag the last meatball.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.