Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

Many hands make light work

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Hamburger Hinderer.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

necessity is the mother of invention

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

So we got a goldfish…

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.