Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

Going feral. Y’all need anything?