[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
sleeping beauty
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”