Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?