@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

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@NotMoscona

Age 17: sneak out of the house to go to a party

Age 37: sneak out of a party to go home

@ShellHasDragons

If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39

@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@dougbies

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

@cynicanoldicus

On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.

@jenspyra

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

@ddsmidt

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?