Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.