Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

I think I’m gonna be sick

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

*has no idea what a book even is*

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?