@MatCro

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

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@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@robfee

I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.

@18_edits

Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?

@thesupergrobi

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

@ojedge

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

@Thedudish

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

@GrahamKritzer

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

@dumbbeezie

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

@TheBoydP

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

@drivingmemadi

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot