Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
You Might Also Like
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
This a good idea
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Huge if true.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.