[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.