Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Not today, today.
Not today.

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.