The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
When you’re Kinky but poor
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled