@iLikeCatShirts

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

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@weismanjake

People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week

@UnFitz

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

@MaryKoCo

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

@TheBoydP

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

@fro_vo

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

@spaceboyriley

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp