Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I want to meet the individual who made this
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Raisins are grape jerky.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW