@AndyAsAdjective

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

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@slaughthie

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

@Mr_Kapowski

*petting a dog*

So how long have you been blind, officer?

*gets arrested*

@FredTaming

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

@prufrockluvsong

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

@DiscoFruit

[first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?

@prontopup

“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.

@HousewifeOfHell

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

@OfficeofSteve

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window