Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Nothing.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes