chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
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Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself