chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.