Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

How to draw a duck

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING