Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Bringing home a sharpie
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
best first i’ve ever seen
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like