Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
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My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.