Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

So many people to disappoint, so little time

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …