Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Saw online –
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.