Chicago sounds lovely.
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES