Chicago sounds lovely.
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”