[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Cats are still liquid.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
What a chick magnet..
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
omg leave her alone
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.