[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?