EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

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Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.


It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.


i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”


Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in


Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.


having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house


Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75


Goddammit, the only meat we’ve had in months has spoiled

Goddammit, there’s a seed in this watermelon