Chicken bread
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?