Chicken bread
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There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*