Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

Barbie gone wild

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

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Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE