Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Truth
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.