Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

Imma just leave this here…………

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Me in tagged photos

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.