Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

Cat is stressing him out.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”