Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement