Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.