Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

😂😂

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.