Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*skinny dips into black hole
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning