Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
classic mixup
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.